hey ladies, vol. 1.

Women, why are we so hard on ourselves? Why are we so hard on each other? Look, I'm guilty as charged for being judgy toward other women, but what is it in my brain that makes me think mean things? I certainly don't think I'm better than many people (except for criminals, litterers, and generally rude folks), but I can't help having negative thoughts at times. In Chicago, where I just spent six boiling hot days, apparently shorts so short that they are not even really pants at all are in, and I couldn't help but think how inappropriate they looked on some (fine, most) women. However, I don't have the confidence to wear something like that myself, because my body isn't perfect. Am I jealous of other women's confidence, or are they inappropriate?

I can also say that, without question, being in a bathing suit is my idea of hell. If I DO go to hell someday, I will be wearing a string bikini and stuck behind a triple-wide stroller on Michigan Avenue. What makes me so insecure about putting on an outfit that millions of women don't even think about, regardless of their shape or age? Why do I and other women pick on ourselves so much and want to be perfect? I have seen so many friends who are disappointed in post-pregnancy bodies and upset that they aren't flawless, and it makes me so sad because I know at the end of the day, most of us are really doing the best that we can. Why isn't it enough to be healthy, happy, and imperfect?

This is such an age-old issue that has been hashed and rehashed for years. It's just on my mind today. I know everyone is quick to blame the media and "society's pressure" of what is acceptable, but I think it's more than that. I think somehow we are hard-wired to compete, I guess, with those around us. And in order to make ourselves feel better, we can't help but pick others apart, even if it's in silence.

So, what do you think? Are you confident? Are you self-conscious? Do you fake it 'til you make it? And how do you shake yourself out of a self-hating funk?

mid-week brunch? why not!

I woke up with a lot on my mind this morning. Last night, a friend of mine told me that I "sounded like a f--ing lame 40-year-old who's given up." I *think* there was some good intent in there... it was meant to shake me up or inspire me somehow, but obviously that's a zinger. It stung, and it made me think that I'm somehow not painting a picture of how I feel about my life. It put me on the defensive (how could it not?), and once you're on the defensive on anything, it's all downhill from there.

This job-hunting business has been tough. I feel a little foolish for thinking it would be easier (not easy, but not this hard), and sometimes I get discouraged. My confidence gets rattled and I feel down. But, I work very hard to maintain a normal schedule, I have a wonderful support system, I've had some amazing opportunities that NEVER would have come my way without choosing this path, and I am hopeful that something good will happen soon. I do my best to stay positive and happy, busy, and healthy. If that's lame, then I guess I'm lame!

In all reality, I have a wonderful life and am so very lucky. I get to hike, write, run, drink wine, ride my bike, eat great food, love my dog, love my husband and family, meet new friends, chat with and see my beloved far-away friends, and a million other things that most of this world could only dream about. I hope to start volunteering soon, which is something I've always wanted to do more of, and it's a great opportunity to get involved in lieu of a job right now. So, in spite of my friend's comment, I like my life. Sure, it could be "better" in a lot of ways, and maybe someday my crazy dreams will be realized. It won't be for my lack of trying! So it's one day at a time right now. Some are really busy, some are quiet, like today. Mostly, I dream big, work hard, and feel grateful for what I have today.

Anyway, the point was that having some extra time on my hands gives me the opportunity to make brunch for the man and me on a cloudy Thursday while he works from home. I'm only calling it brunch because we ate it at 11. No bloody Marys, unfortunately. However, I'd been looking for an opportunity to try ruffly eggs, and with our fridge nearing empty, it was perfect for this morning. Fresh but comforting, didn't take too long, pretty healthy, and minimal ingredients!

I put basil in with my eggs and we ate them on a bed of arugula tossed with a little olive oil and white balsamic vinegar (one of my favorite things ever), some shaved parm, and a piece of toast. I overcooked the eggs a little bit, so they were not as poach-y, runny as I like them, but now I know! Next time, I think I will try it with some pasta and veggies. Yum!

lessons on the internet.

I had my first e-mail address when I was a senior in high school. I was taking a class at Baker University, and it came with my own, personal electronic mailbox. This, I thought, was so cool. I could e-mail the three other people I knew with addresses! My dad refused to spring for Internet at home, so I would go to the campus library to write to my few friends. Already a letter writer, I was quickly taken with the concept of telling someone something without calling them or waiting for the post.

Since then, I've had accounts at pretty much all of the major providers. AOL, my university, Hotmail, Yahoo, Mac.com, now Gmail, not to mention at places I've worked. As the Internet grew and took over our lives, I pretty much laid down and let it steamroll me. A friend of mine jokes that there's nothing I can't find on the Internet if someone wants to know it. That I chalk up to my former life as a copy editor and needing to verify every single detail in an article (THIS girl has never had a correction run... very proud of that...).

Eventually I had a Friendster account. Remember Friendster? I found a guy in my neighborhood who wanted to give me drum lessons, but I never met up with him for fear he was a murderer. I also had a Myspace account, and I still shudder at the frenetic disorganization of that site. Both accounts are long dead because, after resisting as long as I could, I signed up for Facebook.

Oh, how I wish I could be a person who says I hate Facebook, but I don't. It's so fun to share photos with friends and family who are far away. I turn off the rational part of my brain that worries about oversharing and try to post only what I wouldn't mind anyone in the world knowing about me. Though my Facebook is private, it led me to become more secure and open with the concept of sharing my thoughts and ideas in an open forum.

I was late to the game blogging and Tweeting. It just seemed too personal, and who would really care? Believe me, I am acutely aware of the fact that no one gives a darn about what I think. Nothing I say is earth shattering. But still, I felt the need to start putting myself out into the Interuniverse. I've been cultivating my online personality in the past several months, I guess before someone assigns one to me. And that brings me to what I believe are the rules of the Internet. Call it Internet Personality 101 According to Totally Nutts. They are at least the ones to which I adhere for my own personal sanity and well-being. If you're not going to set your Twitter/blog/whatever to "private," you need to have some ground rules:

1) Once your opinions and thoughts are out there, they are out there. Don't Tweet, blog, or post anything you wouldn't want your employer to know or at least guess about you. And don't post anything you aren't prepared to defend. The anonymous troll is the true dictator of the Internet, and prepare to be challenged on things as simple as "dogs are great!" because someone will come along and say, "are you anti-cat? There's no way dogs are better than cats." And then it begins. You're the cat hater, and everyone will spread your blog around and you'll be inundated by e-mails and comments from cat lovers around the world.

2) Other people use the Internet. People you know! Don't post anything you wouldn't want your fellow employees to know. Like "Geeeeezzzz, I can't believe these slobs didn't clean the bar before I came in. I hate this job!" I cannot tell you how many times I have heard of people doing this. Just don't be friends with people you work with if you cannot control your griping!

3) You have a face in photos. Don't post any pictures you wouldn't want your family or employer to know about.

4) Don't post about your awesome day off when you called in sick. AKA: Don't shoot yourself in the foot, dummy.

5) There is no such thing as "tone." Don't assume people will feel your sarcasm or snark through the screen. If you ironically post something dumb while trying to be a smartypants, like a racist comment, assume that people will take it at face value. See: Gilbert Gottfried and Aflac.

6) Don't say things on the Internet that you wouldn't say out loud to strangers or figures of authority. This could kind of be a 5b)... Watch out for personal information, deep secrets, and keeping with your own voice and personality. For example, I try not to swear in my writing. It's unlikely I'd want to curse up a storm in front of my boss. Plus, there's generally a better, more expressive word for whatever swear I would typically use. I prefer to keep my swearing in writing to PG-13, but only when I need to, dammit.

7) Don't assume people care and don't get frustrated by it. There are millions of Web pages out there. The chances of becoming a "hit" blog or site are slim to none. Do it for yourself, and do the best you can. Maybe some day, it will have a bigger purpose. You never know. Having said that...

8) Have a purpose. Whether it's to keep friends updated on your life, practice your writing skills, or rant about your personal politics, it's good to try to have a point. Don't be vague and whiny! It's boring and gets old really fast. "Life is so hard," "some people really let me down," "why can't I find a man?" Ugh. No one. Wants. To. Hear. It. Get a diary or a private blog and kvetch there. Otherwise, you just seem like you're fishing for attention, and I am NOT going to ask you what is wrong.

All of these "rules" come down to that one concept: Think before you post. With personal information, this goes without saying. If you can't keep your finger off of the button, maybe stay away from the button. Now, I'm going to go re-read all of my blog posts and Tweets and delete anything stupid... What rules do you set for yourself online?

pork and politics.

I made chipotle-pork cheeseburgers last night and I forgot to take a picture, and dang they were delicious. I also made a grilled romaine salad. Have to say, grilling lettuce is an awesome technique. If you're already using your grill, it takes about four minutes to slice some heads of romaine in half, brush with olive oil, and grill until charred/softening. I cut ours up first and dressed with a little bit of Caesar dressing, though serving the grilled halves intact would be great presentation for a dinner party.

(An aside here: Look, I try not to make this blog political for a number of reasons. Yoga and dinners are boring, yeah, but at least they don't stress me out. But I would be remiss not commenting on recent events.)

ANYWAY, we were watching some television, flipping through the channels, when I saw the announcement that President Obama would be speaking. I immediately flipped open my laptop and hit Twitter, news feeds, and Facebook at the same time. Soon, Wolf Blitzer was telling me that the presidential address would be regarding the capture of Osama Bin Laden. Nearly 10 years after 9/11, he was dead, killed by U.S. forces. Much like I can recall 9/11 and my parents recall events like the assassinations of JFK and MLK, I think I will probably remember how and when I heard this announcement.

It sent my mind back to where I was, where my friends were, what was going on in our lives that September a decade ago. How after the horrific events, we all wondered when it would be OK to laugh again, how we could ever board an airplane again, what did this mean for the future of our country? I knew people who joined the military in the following months, compelled by the desire to protect and defend the United States. Others of us had just graduated from college and wondered what this meant for our own futures? Not selfishly, but in the sense of our families, our working lives, our years ahead, and the shape of America as a whole.

For a long time, everyone seemed more patriotic, and while the fears we all carried faded, of course no one forgot what happened. I remember sitting in the Millennium Hilton in December 2003, across from Ground Zero, a week after it had reopened. The windows that were blown out had been replaced, rooms refinished, structures tested, and I was staying there on my first-ever business trip and first time in New York City. Every morning, I would wake up and watch the sun rise over the gaping hole in the ground and cry, unable to get the horrible images of destruction, despair, and death out of my head when faced with the ruins where so many had died. Being confronted with the reality of terror, adulthood, beginning a career I wasn't sure about after months of weird job situations, so far away from my family and friends, and alone in the biggest city in the United States, I was so scared. But I also was proud, seeing the backhoes hauling debris in the morning, digging out and starting over. I'd get myself up and put a suit on, hearing guys in hard hats yelling at each other in that only-in-New-York accent. Knowing this city would go on, and the world would go on, and I would be OK myself in adulthood and beyond.

I don't know if I feel that justice has been served by the death of Osama Bin Laden, but I am glad that he is no longer free in the world, especially living in a mansion in Pakistan. Those who lost loved ones and have lived with fear and devastation at his hands certainly deserve to feel vindicated. It doesn't feel right to me to outwardly celebrate someone's death, but as many on Facebook, Twitter, and elsewhere have posted, Mark Twain's quotation sums it up pretty succinctly: "I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."

trying.

Since I began practicing Bikram, I've gotten a lot of reactions from different people. Some are impressed that I can stand the heat. Others, mostly yoga instructors, say it's cultish and they disagree with the methodology. One friend even said "ewww, that's like exercising in a petri dish!" Sure, it's the same 26 poses repeated each class. Yes, it's 105 degrees, and it smells like feet, and butt, and armpit, and sweat. You bet your bottom dollar that I look like I just walked in a rainstorm when it's finished. But I like it.

So maybe I don't completely buy into the doctrine/cultish aspect of it, but I like knowing what comes next in the series, and I like feeling like I've worked hard in the heat. Even the inconvenience of requiring that I shower immediately after each class hasn't bothered me yet. But I think the thing I have picked up on and enjoyed the most is that you don't have to do things PERFECTLY, you just have to give it your maximum effort. I'm a perfectionist, and this is definitely an area of my life where I am not perfect now and may not ever be. I hate that! I like steep learning curves, and knowing and doing everything quickly. Not gonna happen with this yoga. Yet I continue to go and improve and enjoy it.

In my everyday life, outside of that 120 minutes of yoga time door-to-door, I'm applying another a valuable lesson. It may sound contradictory or hypocritical, considering I've just said that I'm a perfectionist, but a lot of things in life have allowed me to just coast. Skate by on the bare minimum and get away with "doing well." I would say mostly personal things... not really work, but my own accomplishments or tasks or hobbies. Often, no matter how simple the task or how little it mattered, I have had guilt when I didn't give that 100 percent I knew I was capable of. It feels like cheating, and I'm not a cheater.

Especially with Bikram, with my health, I'm learning how good it feels to not cheat myself. Not cut corners, but also not beat myself up when I know I've done my best, and all I can do is hope it's either good enough or I will learn from any mistakes. Heck, I'm paying to be there! I might as well get my money's worth, right? Some recent developments in life are requiring that I not beat myself up too much about things and instead learn from them. Do what I do best and not make the same mistake twice. I just hope I can lighten up on myself a little bit and accept that I don't have to be perfect all of the time. We shall see...

You can always go back, can't you?

I went for a run today (on an empty stomach - what was I thinking?), and halfway through my miserable run (due to not eating anything since last night), I had a mind-clearing realization (and not the good kind where you become a vegan or stop drinking martinis): As of next week, I've officially been "unemployed" for six months. What a loser! I mean, I guess I could get a pass and say less than five since we landed in Oregon in mid-October. Still, I felt terrible.

We moved our life halfway across the country, but what have I done to move my life forward? Sure, I've brainstormed and crafted, cleaned and entertained, hiked and read, baked thousands of calories worth of chocolate, but I have little to show for it. I am job hunting, and it's not fruitless, but it still somehow seems discouraging. Not contributing is not how I roll. I worry that poor D is going to wake up one day and go "why am I hauling around this hundred-and-mrrumphthing pound bag of flesh around in my life?" Not that he ever would. He never, ever makes me feel bad about our current situation. Believe me, I try and find ways to make up for it, but I want to be doing more to help US.

Luckily for me, I have an AMAZING and supportive set of friends and family in addition to an awesome husband. Many of them are far away, but I'm (obviously) an embracer of technology and find a variety of ways to kvetch and moan to them from afar. (TY, dear people.)

Despite being somewhat nervous/anxious/sad/worried about my future, I cannot help but feel mostly optimistic. I don't want to jinx it, but there is a twitching encouragement in my gut that says fantastic things, even more fantastic things!, are right on the horizon. I just have to look forward and hope I can make everyone proud of me one of these days and keep counting all of my many blessings. At the end of the day, I'm a damn lucky girl.